The Foodie
If she’s eating, then you can bet your ass you’re going to see a picture of it. Doesn’t matter if it’s scallops covered in Beurre Blanc sauce or a fistful of Pixy Stix—this chick is all about letting you know what substances her colon will be housing over the next 24 hours. Expect high-contrast visuals and a variety of food porn hashtags such as: #delicious #decadent and #mouthgasm. She’s a clever one with her filters, too, playing up the white of the goat cheese until her boring salad looks like Balsamic Christmas. Even peanut butter on saltines look sexy, but buyer beware, this girl may be on the wrong side of that famous Ben Franklin quote: “Eat to live, don’t live to eat.” Shacking up with this Instagram girl is going to require a few high-brow dinners at Ruth’s Chris and a variety of other places where Market Price is commonly used on the menu in lieu of an actual dollar amount. Expect a full tummy and a broken wallet.
The Animal Lover
Do you like Pomeranians? Well, I fucking hope so, because this Instagram girl comes with some of the most adorable baggage you’ve ever seen. Yes, adorable. The puppy has clearly been hashtagged #adorable. Did you not see the little J. Lo hoodie it’s wearing? You don’t really need to see much of the picture feed to know what you’re stepping into: a world where small dogs ride in LV purses and get taken on shopping sprees. So if you disagree with the idea of a Maltese being forced to wear sunglasses all for the sake of a photo-op, this might not be the chick for you. There’s only so many puppy kisses a man can take. However, despite all the embarrassment this pooch will have to endure, this Instagram girl is an openly loving and affectionate woman that’s likely to PDA your ass into oblivion. You may not understand the concept of celebrating a dog’s 3rd birthday when it clearly has no idea what month it is, but unconditional love isn’t logical. Be wary of pet hoarders, though. If she’s got more animals than pieces of furniture, you’re going to be up to your eyeballs in feces.
The Facer
Life can be repetitive when it’s all captured at arm’s length, but this Instagram girl takes pride in how many different ways she can photograph her own visage. Just check out her feed: a myriad of angles, hairstyles, and applications of makeup. Sometimes she wears sunglasses while inside her apartment. Other times she’ll duckface. At the pool, curled up on the couch, or stuck in traffic—it doesn’t matter where. Every picture is her face with some pat description, such as: “Pink lipstick. Whatcha think?” The Facer will often ask for a nod of approval from her audience in the form of ‘likes’ and comments. None of which will be responded to as it is merely her way of fishing for compliments. She is, in fact, emotionally distant and would rather have ten casual relationships over a single meaningful one. Although she may be quite beautiful, The Facer is well aware of this, and has become so acclimated to physical acclaim that it’s lost all meaning. Beware the woman that thrives on attention. This Instagram girl cares for no one but herself and her mirror.
The Party Girl
She’s out and she wants you to know it. She’s at LIV in Miami. She’s at Marquee in Vegas. In the description, she tags @lonniemoore because she’s at Geisha House in L.A. This Instagram girl is the life of the party, feeding pictures to her adoring public of her Louboutin heels (#rockin #redbottoms) and $750 bottles of Grey Goose that some chump is paying for. She’s in the DJ booth with Avicii and then she’s sitting VIP at Pure. She’s absolutely everywhere that requires money and connections or a Barbie body. The Party Girl drinks for free and eats on someone else’s dime, and she won’t break your heart because she’s only after your wallet. This Instagram girl profits off her looks, but like all things that have a limited shelf life, will eventually be replaced by younger versions of herself. If you can afford it, she may show you the time of your life. Otherwise, keep dreaming those wet dreams.
The Model
If YouTube is self-publishing for actors, then Instagram serves as a similar platform for models. Find ‘em, follow, and watch the bikini reel roll in. They come in all flavors: from the aspiring Suicide Girl to the potential Playboy bunny. This Instagram girl is putting herself out there in hopes that if she garners enough attention, one day her modeling dreams may come true. Unlike the Party Girl and The Facer, however, it’s completely possible that there’s a normal girl behind all that Photoshop and filtering. There’s a big difference between flaunting your lifestyle and attempting to sell a brand, so the latter could be viewed as a little less nefarious in the grand scheme of things. Keep in mind though, you aren’t a just ‘a follower,’ you’re a target market to her. This Instagram girl is business-minded and looking to get ahead in the game. All your ‘likes’ and comments are just statistics.
Conclusion
Clearly, these are the stereotypes, the hyper-elaborated versions of these girls and women who parade their lives on film. They exist, and are very much an established presence in the Instagram culture, yet, they live in their own social bubbles outside of what most would consider ‘normal.’ To attempt to get to know any of them on a personal level will usually be met with a barrier of either vanity or opposing lifestyles that will never sync. They are the variants. The compartmentalized. And if you’ve been paying attention then you already know where this is going: you must find the balance. Your dream Instagram girl should be multi-faceted and diverse, a streaming assemblage of portraits that capture her personality, her beauty, and a love of life that she wishes to share—not show off. So seek out individuality, gentleman. The adage of the scantily-clad woman, although a source of eye candy, is rather one-note…no matter how you filter it.
Brandon Tietz
Brandon Tietz is the author of Out of Touch and Good Sex, Great Prayers. His short stories have been widely published, with work appearing in The Velvet Anthology and Amsterdamned If You Do. He is also a three-time Chuck Palahniuk anthology finalist and winner of The Pitch Kansas City’s 2012 reader’s choice award for best local writer.
Tietz currently serves a columnist and contributor for LitReactor.com and ManArchy Magazine. He lives and works in Kansas City, MO.