When it comes to going through life as unsuccessfully as possible, no one does it better than the complete douchebag. Everyone knows one of these guys, and no one can stand to be around them for too long. If you’re looking to piss off a lot of people or go through life as easily as possible, this article is for you.
If you’re not looking to be a douchebag, otherwise known as a “D.B.”, then spend the time to develop yourself to be the exact opposite of everything I outline in this article.
Step 1: Quit Your Job
The best douchebags do not have jobs. It goes against all they stand for. A premium douchebag will spend as much time as possible being unemployed, and does what he can to collect unemployment for as long as possible. If you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to get a job, quit it as soon as possible.
Step 2: Mooch Off Others
Being that you will be unemployed most of the time, you need to find a way to subsist off more responsible people. Find friends who will let you sleep on their couch or floor, and stay there until they absolutely cannot stand the sight of you any longer. At that point, you can move on to new territory. Repeat. Not only can you do this with your living situation, you can eat all their food, smoke all their cigarettes, and drink all their alcohol without having to pay a cent.
Step 3: Lie About Getting Your Act Together
Douchebags do not tell the truth. People will want to know that you’re trying to “get back on your feet”, and you can drag this out just like everything else by continually telling them that you’re making the attempt.
Step 4: Don’t Pay Any of Your Bills
Since you won’t have a job, this will be easy. See if you can find a girlfriend who pities you and might pick up some of your slack. At the very least, you’ll need someone to keep your cellular bill covered, unless you can talk someone into letting you in on their plan. Let your car get repossessed. Then you won’t have to figure out how to cover insurance, and you’ll never need to buy gas. You can bum rides from people anyways.
Step 5: Be Cocky
You’ll still need to have a high opinion of yourself, and the best way to do this is to exaggerate this to the max. Act like you’re better than everyone else, and go about things as though everyone owes you something. Use guilt and manipulation to get them to go along with things. Mention all the things you’ve done for them, and especially mention the fact that they are lucky to have such an awesome friend as you.
Step 6: Only Engage in Fun Things
Avoid anything that has a hint of responsibility. Use your charisma to full effect to participate in any event that others have painstakingly planned and orchestrated.
Step 7: Be Jealous and Insecure
When you find a girlfriend who doesn’t leave you, be sure to control every aspect of her life. Don’t let her go out with her friends or talk to other dudes, after all, she is YOUR girl, and it’s her duty to be there for whatever you need.
Step 8: Never Give, Only Take
Don’t contribute anything back to the people who help you out.
Step 9: Never Change
Make no attempts whatsoever to better yourself or change anything about the way you do things. That stuff is for people who care, who want to be responsible, and who want to grow up.
Step 10: The “Golden Rule of Douchebaggery” – Have No Purpose
If your’e going to be a douchebag, you stand no possible of succeeding at being unsuccessful unless you follow this principle to a T. You need to ensure that you never have a plan for the future. This means no goals, no idea what you want to do in life, and absolutely no plans for school or a career.
If you do these things, you should be able to sustain yourself as a D.B. for life. If you DO NOT want to be a Grade-A Douchebag, take all action necessary to avoid this type of behavior. Assume responsibility for your actions and make every attempt to get your act together. No one likes a douchebag. Don’t be one of these people.