Is it true that gay bars have lots of hot girls that go there? – Searching Southerner

Well, yes and no, my southern beau. Depending on the club you’re at, there is a plethora of gals hanging about, but just watch out that you’re not trying to stir the wrong kind of drinks, if you get my meaning. Some mixed clubs are awash in a sea of lesbians, and the last thing you want to do is hit on some girl’s girlfriend. There’s a rumor that the vast majority of bull dykes can throw a mean left. (Also, if a girl tells you she’s into girls: drop it, stop asking, let it go, move on and stop making a fool of yourself. She- is- NOT- into you.)

That being said, many gay guys have a harem of fag hags and fruit flies, ranging in age, shape, size, and personality. It really depends on what you’re into. Certain bars and clubs will have more flies than others. Clubs where bears, leather-daddies, otters, and trannies congregate are not places where women usually go. Girls like to party at the same places where your 20-something twinks, queens, and jocks like to party.

But don’t go to a gay bar to pick up chicks, and let me tell you why. If you, a man, walk into a gay bar, it is assumed by all in the establishment that you are gay. You are then, henceforth, on the menu. You will be hit on by guys all night long.

If you don’t care; if you’re cool with a random dude groping your assets; if you have a wild streak that you’re possibly willing to explore–hell, honey!–knock yourself out. Just don’t knock out the go-go boy dancing on the bar because he got fresh. It looks bad. Him giving you that tea-bag upside the forehead just means he likes you–he just wants your cookies. You were the one who put yourself in that situation, after all.

Also, chicks won’t go to a gay bar to meet men, so you’re going to be a bit out-classed.

 You know how some black people use the “N” word but get mad if non-blacks use it? Do gay guys do that? If something is stupid do gays call it gay? Rather, are they allowed to? – Curious, but not in that way.

Ah, the ol’ double-standard!

First, let’s address that ugly little f-bomb–that 800 pound gorilla pissing on the rhododendrons. (That’s a naughty Mister Bongo! Naughty monkey!)

Many gay men, especially queens, call each other fag. Most gay men, however, find this word repugnant no matter who uses it. I don’t use it at all, nor do any of my friends. This word will get you in hot water just as fast as the N-Word slipping from betwixt those lips of yours. (On a side note, I have a lip gloss that would match your complexion perfectly! Oh… where was I?)

I always make this comparison when people call something disagreeable gay: back in the nineties, many people called things they thought were stupid “Jewish.” It was mostly confined to chachbag jocks and post-modern douche-nozzles, but the sentiment did run rampant. After this phrasing became so morosely offensive that everyone stopped using it, it got replaced with something that you hear from groups of teenagers congregating on street corners, wafting on the breeze like a rancid fart: “That’s so gay!”

Oh, no the bitch did NOT! I’m gonna break a nail on some ho’s face!

There’s no real need to call something “gay” when “stupid” or “dumb” will do just fine. Calling something gay, or retarded, just lacks refinement. Remember when I said there are some bull dykes out there that could bend you in half? Yeah, don’t let one of those girls hear you call an 8% sales tax “gay,”  or anything else for that matter. The only gal who could say it better? Ladies and gentlemen, Wanda Sykes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS0GVOQPs0

Remember, mon-ami, change starts with you.

How do i ask my girlfriend for a blow-job without sounding too eager!? – Wantabjbadly

Somewhere, George Takei just said, “Ohhhh, myyyyy!“

The easy part is out of the way. You already have a lady-friend, a main squeeze as it were. Now, the tricky part: getting her to polish the family silver without begging for it. This could go several ways, and there isn’t any one thing that works for everyone: there are just some people who don’t like going to town! Also, women live by a certain mantra that goes a little like:

“If you want a man to know there’s steak for dinner, then he has to HEAR it sizzle.”

If you’re already in throes, look no further than Christmas Spirit to be your guide. Some girls want a little vis-a-vis, a little I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. Grab your fins and snorkel, boys, you may have to go diving before your partner is willing to reciprocate. As they say, it’s just as nice to give as it is to receive.

Any way you slice the muffin, you need to get your partner worked up enough to want to go downstairs. Just don’t give her a reason to pause for hesitation: if she does, then the game is over. Before your date, make sure you’ve clipped the hedges, you’ve washed the car, and you’ve taken care of the back yard. No girl in her right mind wants to deal with smelly bits and bobs, or queso for that matter.

Clean your junk! Clean your trunk. She will be grateful, trust.

As far as getting to that base between second and third without sounding desperate, it’s all about the art of foreplay and pillow-talk. Try on a set of bedroom eyes, talk with a sexy accent (as long as it doesn’t come across as silly), pop a bottle of wine, and make it all about her. You may have to sit through dinner and a movie for this one. A bouquet of roses wouldn’t go amiss, either.

As always, stay fabulous, bitches!