Holidays are over – the twinkling lights switched off, Santas deflated, and New Year’s Eve glitter scrubbed deeper and deeper into the carpet before a final “Fuck it.” Goodbye 2011 with a groan and a bang and a relieved kick of baggage to the end of the driveway. Let the dogs salvage what they can – turkey bones, beer cans…
Baggage, you say? Yes, I know what vexes you. The final problem to be solved before the New Year can really be…new. She’s sleeping in a huge X in your waterbed right now, isn’t she? Her wiener dog has soiled your glittery carpet, and in the afternoons this problem props her bare ankles on the couch’s arm and punches the buttons on the remote with just a bit too much authority. And shows absolutely no sign of leaving.
The Holiday Romance.
Don’t blame yourself. After three shots of 151 and a 20-second make-out session with your ex on a dare, of course she seemed perfect. Two days before Christmas with body glitter in her brand new cleavage under karaoke lights, she sang Carrie Underwood and you knew you would never cheat on this woman. You kept her through New Year’s, through lines off your cousin’s coffee table and professions of love at the midnight kiss, but…
But, as Rick James once said, cocaine is a hell of a drug. And Valentine’s Day is breathing down your neck as her white cigarette butts outnumber your brown ones in the ashtray – and everyone knows more pregnancies, proposals and murders take place on Valentine’s Day than any other time of year. Fact? I have no idea, but it fits with the general theme. You want to nip this in the bud, then pretend it’s true. You don’t know when she gets her depo shots. And let’s face it – you were living in your cousin’s trailer first.
Don’t be scared. Within every woman lies the undoing of the relationship, you just have to know where to look. It’s not you, it’s her. And in a well-trained eye lies freedom:
#1. If She Has Name Tattoos:
Doesn’t matter whose. Kids, exes, whatever. Take a deep breath, drop your head and ask solemnly “What about them?” Then, God help you, don’t say another word. Maintain posture, assume defeat, be crestfallen and stoic under all assaults. Eventually the argument will finish itself, and with it goes the relationship.
#2. If She Just Got New Tits:
Tell her you hate them, and that you want them covered at all times – no one shall gaze upon these majestic creations but you… and if you’re going to be gazing, they could be a little bigger. Blubber jealously, whine, motorboat, beg for bigger boobs – she’ll go. Those puppies are for her and the rest of the world to enjoy – and damned if she’ll enhance an enhancement that’s not even paid off for a crybaby, anyway.
#3. If She Drinks a Lot:
Your New Year’s Resolution is to become totally clean and sober. Did you hear her congratulate you as she drove away??
#4. If She Smokes Meth:
Tell her you’re thinking of moving, that the love between you has inspired you to move on to bigger and better things – like working with your cousin Insert Generic Fake First Name Here’s huge meth lab at Insert Town Two Counties Away. She’ll be gone before the sentence is finished – don’t feel guilty. There’s a guy named Dale somewhere in Meigs County with a meth lab. And he’s about to meet the love of his life.
#5. The Catch-22: “What happens when he gets out of jail?”
Wait for it. Say nothing. Maintain eye contact until she comes up with cousin/father/uncle/ex/your ex/your uncle/your cousin/dad/over-protective ex-guidance counselor/stalker – okay, the key is silence. Somewhere, someone is in jail and if you can keep your damned mouth shut while she invents the possible complications surrounding this and tells you have a small dick, you’ll be free in under an hour.
Good luck and God speed. And hey, if you screw all this up I’ll be back with non-committal romantic Valentine’s Day gifts next month.
But seriously. Grow some balls. She’s screwing your cousin, anyway.